Suicide Bomber and 72 Virgins – Steve Martin

Casual listing of responses of 72 virgins to a suicide bomber who has just arrived in heaven in New Yorker magazine “Shouts and Murmurs” column by Steve Martin…
Virgin No. 01: Yuck
Virgin No. 02: Ick
Virgin No. 03: Ew
Virgin No. 04: Ow
Virgin No. 05: Do you like cats? I have fourteen!
Virgin No. 06: I’m Becky. I’ll be legal in two years
Virgin No. 07: Here, I’ll just pull down your zipper. Oh, sorry!
Virgin No. 08: Can we cuddle first?
Virgin No. 09: It was a garlic-and-onion pizza. Why?
Virgin No. 10: … there was this one time in band camp
Virgin No. 11: First you’re going to have to show me an up-to-date health certificate
Virgin No. 12: Hurry! My parents are due home!
Virgin No. 13: Do you want the regular or the special?
Virgin No. 14: I’m 84. So what?
Virgin No. 15: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Virgin No. 16: Even I know that’s tiny
Virgin No. 17: “Do it”? Meaning what?
Virgin No. 18: I’m saving myself for Jesus
Virgin No. 19: Somewhere on my body I have hidden a buffalo nickel
Virgin No. 20: Don’t touch my hair!
Virgin No. 21: Typical. You’re gonna bang me and then go sleep with 71 others
Virgin No. 22: Do you mind if we listen to Mannheim Steamroller?
Virgin No. 23: Are you O.K. with the dog on the bed?
Virgin No. 24: Would you mind saying, “Come to my office, Miss Witherspoon?”
Virgin No. 25: Ride me! Ride me, Lucky Buck!
Virgin No. 26: You like your vanilla hot?
Virgin No. 27: Does Ookums like Snookums?
Virgin No. 28: It’s so romantic here, dead
Virgin No. 29: Well, I’m a virgin, but my hand isn’t
Virgin No. 30: You are in?
Virgin No. 31: Hi, cowboy. I just rode down from Brokeback Mountain
Virgin No. 32: I’m a virgin because I’m so ugly
Virgin No. 33: You like-ee?
Virgin No. 34: I’ll betcha you can’t get an erection. Show me, big shot
Virgin No. 35: BTW, here “virgin” has a slightly different meaning. It means “chatty”
Virgin No. 36: Sure, I like you, but as a friend
Virgin No. 37: No kissing. I save that for my boyfriend
Virgin No. 38: I’m Zania, from the planet Xeron. My vagina is on my foot
Virgin No. 39: It’s a lesion, and, no, I don’t know what kind
Virgin No. 40: I’m Jewish. Why do you ask?
Virgin No. 41: Hi, I’m Becky. Oh, whoops – you again. Allah. Not again
Virgin No. 42: I just love camping! It is so great! Can we go camping sometime?
Virgin No. 43: In the spirit of full disclosure, I’m a single mom
Virgin No. 44: You like my breasts? They were my graduation gift
Virgin No. 45: When you’re done, you should really check out how cool this ceiling is
Virgin No. 46: I’m almost there. Just another couple of hours
Virgin No. 47: Get your own beer, you nitwit
Virgin No. 48: No, you’ve got it wrong. We’re in the Paradise Casino
Virgin No. 49: I really enjoyed that. Thank you very much. Gee, it’s late
Virgin No. 50: You make me feel like a real woman. After this, I’m going to find one
Virgin No. 51: What do you mean, “move a little”?
Virgin No. 52: Not now. Am on my BlackBerry. What’re you gonna do? Blow up?
Virgin No. 53: I love it when you put on your pants and leave
Virgin No. 54: Sometimes it’s O.K. to say something mildly humorous
Virgin No. 55: That was terrible. I should have listened to the other virgins
Virgin No. 56: I think I found it. Is that it? Oh. Is this it? Oh, this must be it. No?
Virgin No. 57: It must be hot in here, because I know it’s not me
Virgin No. 58: Those are my testicles
Virgin No. 59: Did you know that “virgin” is an anagram of Irving?
Virgin No. 60: First “Spamalot,” then sex
Virgin No. 61: Great! I was hoping for circumcised
Virgin No. 62: Was that it?
Virgin No. 63: Dang. George Clooney was being reckless on a bike, but I get you
Virgin No. 64: Tonight, I become a woman. But until then you can call me Bob
Virgin No. 65: They’re called “adult diapers.” Why?
Virgin No. 66: We could do it here for free, or on a stage in Düsseldorf for money
Virgin No. 67: I’m just Virgin No. 67 to you, right?
Virgin No. 68: Pee-yoo. Are you wearing Aramis? And no fat mama jokes
Virgin No. 69: Condom, please
Virgin No. 70: My name is Mother Teresa.
Virgin No. 71: I’m not very good at this, but let’s start with Reverse Lotus Blossom
Virgin No. 72: It was paradise, until you showed up
I have a few more myself up my sleeve but Islam says that suicide bombers only get 72. So this is pretty much it. Better not mess with the facts of the Quran.

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